I have never been here before

Sultan has been gone for 5 days. After being sober a week he asked to borrow $20 for gas so that he could go look for work. Yes Dumb ass that I am, I believed him…  or maybe just wanted to. Well I have not heard from him since then. His mother told me him and his friends took her car and went and stole beer from the gas station. Well he is already on the run from a DUI so I don’t expect him to stay out of jail much longer. He will miss the birth of our child. This is a very painful experience. Maybe because I love this person…or because I have been effected so by his actions. I gave up so much to be with him and this is my life. Living with my mother, pregnant, depressed, full of regret.

I know I can pull out of this, I will grit my teeth and bare it I will stop looking at happy families and wishing I had not chose to sell myself to the lowest bidder. I am staying with mother until I can save enough from my part time job for an apartment. I hope I can move out at the beginning of August but then I would worry about the next months rent. I am determined to keep paying on my car and not lose it.

I really need to find me again. Maybe being a single mother is the key…

I am applying for food stamps next week. I never thought that would be me sitting in that office a college graduate. I wish I could stop looking back at my “old life” it only feels my with remorse and a sense of self hate. I did this to myself.

A good time

This is a good time in my life

said the boy

I want to take you for my wife.

With a smile I could not hide

I agreed to be his bride.

But the boy’s mask did slip

And I was taken on a hellish trip

First we dove deep into a murky sea

Drenched  in brandy and Hennessy

He glided by me as I struggled and choked

I was sober and yet I coped

Then, because I chose not to see

We planned and conceived our first baby

The boy was overwhelmed…stressed

He reacted as you could have guessed

Full of regret I walked away

crying inside because he wanted me to stay.


What happened?

Helo out there…if anyone is still out there.

I don’t even remember where I left off. It has been so long since I have been on here I thought about starting a whole new blog altogether. But my history has not changed so I thought to continue on as missinghaya. I have changed or been changed by the stupid things I decided to do in my life. Lets start withmy marriage.

yeah, I married The Mess Sultan. I met him in late november after finally ending things with Adam. We will call him Sultan. Anyone who knew mw could tell i was a sitting duck. When I met him he was sweet friendsly and most of all he WANTED to get married. I jumped right on that! If you knew anything about me…well that was all I wanted. and he was local, no hopping planes to be with him or moving cross country. I did have to change cities; we will get to that later thought. We had our Nikkah (islamic contract) In the back of an empty shop one day in January after spending a crazy weekend together. Ne wedding, no party, I was robbed out of a read wedding for he 2nd time. I was happy though to have him and we planned on having a real ceremony later…this never happened.

Here we are now July.

Sultan is a raging alcoholic, he was just dry when we met and never really quit. He hit me for the first time a few weeks ago.

He has no documents and so lives with his mom. We planned to get our own place once he found work so like a fool I believed him and did not renew my teaching contract or apartment and I moved in with him and his mother.

I’m pregnant. 4 months to be exact. I always wanted a baby you know…but I never imagined this is how it will be,

I cant eat for the stress. I have no money because my savings were diluted with the move. Today I decided to go live with my mom. She lives here in my new city. Because he cussed me out and verbally abused me in a drunken rage again last night. I spent the night at my sister in laws.

I’m heartbroken. I have ruined the life I had and could never see how lucky I was to have had it. The freedom, the security, I honestly regret this whole affair. But of course I asked for it and now for the first time I find myself nearly homeless, penniless. Pregnant and looking for work.

But…That modesty that I thought I had lost or was missing, I seem to have found it. realizing that these mistaks I made were all because of my lack of self confidence. My neediness. I find myself here. Regrettig the choices I have made but deserving this all the same.

I will never again sell myself short. I will not give up the things I deserve. All the things I wanted Sultan pretended to be and then I find myself here in this library, no place to go, disguseted with myself and my life. Continuing the fight because there is not other choice. This is life laughing me in the face.

I am upset and just rambling now so I will stop for now.

Count your blessings, always be thankful, and stay true to yourself.


Life is hard without you near me…

Today was Eid. A wonderful day, prayer and breakfast with a group of friends. I over ate but refuse to beat myself up over it or purge. I am celebrating. I bought new cloths for all 3 days of celebrating. I got henna done and bought a gift for my good friend summa.

But then, in the middle of all my fun and merry making… I saw you.

You had gotten into the car with me this morning as I left to go get Summa for prayer. You stood there as the prayer was conducted and kept your quiet distance. I thought I saw you once but then I couldn’t be sure and I brushed the thought aside. But as I finished my coffee and looked around at all the happy people celebrating the Eid with me I saw you, and then I knew.

You had always been there. Your presence had put a gray fog around me that I had just then noticed, it not had been clear all morning. And once I noticed you I couldn’t shake you.

Telling you to leave has never helped, you silent sulking distracting me, stealing my smile and giddy laughter. Every “Eid Mubarak” a faint echo that I hardly heard but managed to smile and reciprocate.

I look at my henna now, having abandoned my friends to be alone with you. The henna is beautiful, and it does not matter. I am beautiful, so beautiful Mashallah. And it does not matter. My home is warm, the fridge is full, there is n thing that I want and do not have. I have many things, clothing, gadgets, beatifications. All designed to make me forget you…and only sometimes I do, the reminders are the most painful part of it all.

So now…here I am, along with you.


You; that empty space next to me in the pictures.  The hand that I do not hold. The smile that does not greet me when I spot you across the prayer hall. The empty spot at the breakfast table.

There is nothing that can take the place of you.

And at times like this… I would rather die…without you and I.

But no matter how bad it gets. I promise not to fall again. If only to be able to look you in the eye one day.

Another end…


Adam says “I feel like I have waisted your time, Im y. But if you can’t move here, I can’t move there.”

So there….another end…this time I feel a lot worse than I did the other times. Maybe because I was really starting to take things seriously this time. I really wanted it to work out. I had finally put an end to my bad behavior and I was going to do it all right this time. But in comes the smiling mortician.

And now I hate my job even more. I hate my students,and myself…

I know I should not depend on others for my happiness. But I don’t depend on others, it’s this ideal like that I am pursuing. and It is not perfect…but it would make me happy, I think…. I at least want to try to see if it does.

But that is the thing about depression. There are triggers that sort of sets things off…this whole situation is one of those triggers.

I just want to get married and have kids!!! It’s not like I want to be a millionaire. Something so unattainable.

And I don’t want meds…

And I also know my health will probably take a hit since I have been purging a lot lately anyway

And then there is my cell phone to mock me with its silence, or calls from my mother telling me to not be so desperate. What does she know about being desperate, when it is her neglect that has led me to this place where I am…

I am just trying to get through my life right now. I’ll give myself a few days to grieve then turn up the efforts and try once more to find Mr. Goodenough

what is worse…the 5 moths waisted talking to and bonding with Adam….all pointless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



could not find a pic to describe my feelings today…I suck

The point is…

Still have not cleaned my apartment. Still hate my job(s). Feeling annoyed and conflicted.

Ok…so of all the bad choices I have made in my adult life I still think the biggest one was my first marriage. Forget the depression, bulemia, and fornication. It is that one screw up that set everything in motion.

Now I am not trying to use it as an excuse but really that is where it all started for me. After the grand failure of the marriage I felt like crap. I was depressed and hurt but persevered, continued my work, and managed to adjust to a somewhat normal life. Then the insecurities set in. I started a diet and lost about 50 pounds over the course of about 3 months. People complimented my new look, made me feel good about myself and in order to keep the weight off the bulimia crept up on me.

Then I hated to throw up, so I hated to eat, so I slept instead of eating. The depression got worse. Then the male attention that I craved led to me making some really effed up choices.

So the point is:

It is never to late to repent and make a new start. If only I could stop havng to start again…

I have made a mistake

Risks involved in treating sins too lightly

You should know, may Allah (Azzawajal) have mercy upon you and me, that Allah (Azzawajal), glorified be He, has made repentance obligatory saying: “O you that have believed, turn to your Lord in a goodly way.” (Al-Tahrim:8), and has granted us time to repent until the Scribes register the sin in our names. The prophet  has said: “The Scribe on the left hand delays registering the sin of a Muslim for six hours. If he repents (within these six hours), and seeks Allah’s forgiveness, they drop if off. If he doesn’t, they write is down as a single sin.” That is the first respite.

The second respite, even if it is registered, is until the appearance of death before our eyes. (If a man repents sincerely before that hour, it is taken off the records then).

But the problem with most people, is that they estimate not the Majesty of the Lord as they should. They disobey Him in multiple ways – day and night. To make things worse, there are some that are misled by the notion of what they call “minor sins”, so that you will see them treating certain sins as inconsequential saying, for instance: “Of what harm will be a look (at that woman), or of what consequence a hand-shake with her?” In consequence, they stare freely at pictures of women in the magazines, or those appearing in the television. Some of them, when told about the sin in it, go a step further and inquire amusingly: “O.K. What’s the magnitude of the sin involved? Is it a major one or minor?”

Compare this attitude with that of the Companions of the Prophet , on whom be peace, as recorded by Bukhari in his Sahih: 1. Said Anas, may Allah be pleased with him (to one of the followers): “You imagine certain sins to be more insignificant than a straw. But, at the time of the Prophet  we used to count them among those that can destroy a man.” 2. Ibn Mas’ud says: “A believer treats a sin as if it is a mountain over his head that may fall on him any moment. Whereas a regular violator looks at them as a fly that perked on his nose and he waived it away with his hand.”

Will these people then learn something from the above, and from the hadith of the Prophet  who said: “Beware of the minor sins. For the example of the minor sins is like that of a group of travelers who broke their journey in a valley. Then one of them brought in a straw. Another came up with another (and a third with one more) until with their collection they were able to gather enough t o cook their food. Remember! If a man is held for questioning (on the day of Judgment)for his minor sins, surely they will destroy him.” In another version he is reported to have said: “Beware of minor sins. For they add on until they destroy the man.”

The scholars say therefore that when minor sins are committed without any remorse, without the fear of Allah, and accompanied by contempt then they there is all the fear they will be counted as major sins. Hence the saying: “There isn’t a minor with persistence, and there isn’t a major with repentance.” Hence we say to him who commits minor sins: ‘Do not look at the sins if they are small or big. Look at Him in whose defiance you are committing them.’

It is hoped that these words about taking sins lightly will benefit those who are true in their faith, are not seduced by their delinquencies, nor are of those that insist upon their wrongs. These words will in fact benefit those who believe in the following words of Allah: “Tell My slaves: that I am v ery Forgiving, very Kind,” (Al-Hijr: 49), and those who believe in: “But My chastisement is a severe chastisement indeed.” (Al-Hijr: 50)


May Allah forgive me before I die…


A Mess

My apartment is a mess. Clothing everywhere. dishes in the sink, my sheets could use a wash.

Adam (The Somali guy) calls daily…he has for about 2 months now. And the other day he sends me this email:

question? is it haram me and you to chat online or on the phone? please find out. http://youtu.be/QxejePXT1ak

I watched the video…only because it was not too long. and then I sent my response:

I watched the video, thank you for sending it to me. According to the Sheik, chatting is a halwa and could lead to a sexual conversation. In the right way you are to come meet my father and mother and make your final decision based on our public conversations. And that because my Wali is not present then we should not have private conversations by phone. So the answer to you question is it Haram? According to the sheik, Yes.
So here is the point with him…Everything is HARAM. Life is a waste. Lets sit in the mosque all day and forget there is the real world to deal with. Then he told me today that his future children could not be around christians ie…my mother. I told him that was unacceptable and he was like I know….

So I really hate to feel like I am back at the start looking for a spouse and since I kinds love Adam now and since I really want a baby and my co-worker called me in…the one who took my position to tell me that she did not want me to hear it from others and make me feel let out that she was “HAVING A BABY!!! I smiled and congratulated her for having my life, and position at school. And I went about my day thinking marry Adam if only for the baby..then you’ll at least accomplished that much in your life. Hate my life and job right now… I am an effing mess

Allah please forgive me before I die.


The want…

There’s something irresistible about him. No, not Fasil, Barack, Amir, or even Adam. It is the new guy of the month; Ahmad. He’s got sickening eyes actually … their green or hazel. Half Arab, half Russian. Cute… young…intriguing. because all I want to do is..
I can’t seem to stop infatuating over any cute, foreign Guy that’s remotely nice to me.
Why can’t I just be normal?
I need to get married. That’s all I can think to cure the… lust.
And worst yet… guys seem to know my craving and the temptation is thrown at me every time I leave the house!
I want to be normal…

The want

the craving

the wrong

the wrong.

Oh Allah forgive me before I die.

Look away you fool!