Still have not cleaned my apartment. Still hate my job(s). Feeling annoyed and conflicted.
Ok…so of all the bad choices I have made in my adult life I still think the biggest one was my first marriage. Forget the depression, bulemia, and fornication. It is that one screw up that set everything in motion.
Now I am not trying to use it as an excuse but really that is where it all started for me. After the grand failure of the marriage I felt like crap. I was depressed and hurt but persevered, continued my work, and managed to adjust to a somewhat normal life. Then the insecurities set in. I started a diet and lost about 50 pounds over the course of about 3 months. People complimented my new look, made me feel good about myself and in order to keep the weight off the bulimia crept up on me.
Then I hated to throw up, so I hated to eat, so I slept instead of eating. The depression got worse. Then the male attention that I craved led to me making some really effed up choices.
So the point is:
It is never to late to repent and make a new start. If only I could stop havng to start again…
I have made a mistake
Risks involved in treating sins too lightly
You should know, may Allah (Azzawajal) have mercy upon you and me, that Allah (Azzawajal), glorified be He, has made repentance obligatory saying: “O you that have believed, turn to your Lord in a goodly way.” (Al-Tahrim:8), and has granted us time to repent until the Scribes register the sin in our names. The prophet has said: “The Scribe on the left hand delays registering the sin of a Muslim for six hours. If he repents (within these six hours), and seeks Allah’s forgiveness, they drop if off. If he doesn’t, they write is down as a single sin.” That is the first respite.
The second respite, even if it is registered, is until the appearance of death before our eyes. (If a man repents sincerely before that hour, it is taken off the records then).
But the problem with most people, is that they estimate not the Majesty of the Lord as they should. They disobey Him in multiple ways – day and night. To make things worse, there are some that are misled by the notion of what they call “minor sins”, so that you will see them treating certain sins as inconsequential saying, for instance: “Of what harm will be a look (at that woman), or of what consequence a hand-shake with her?” In consequence, they stare freely at pictures of women in the magazines, or those appearing in the television. Some of them, when told about the sin in it, go a step further and inquire amusingly: “O.K. What’s the magnitude of the sin involved? Is it a major one or minor?”
Compare this attitude with that of the Companions of the Prophet , on whom be peace, as recorded by Bukhari in his Sahih: 1. Said Anas, may Allah be pleased with him (to one of the followers): “You imagine certain sins to be more insignificant than a straw. But, at the time of the Prophet we used to count them among those that can destroy a man.” 2. Ibn Mas’ud says: “A believer treats a sin as if it is a mountain over his head that may fall on him any moment. Whereas a regular violator looks at them as a fly that perked on his nose and he waived it away with his hand.”
Will these people then learn something from the above, and from the hadith of the Prophet who said: “Beware of the minor sins. For the example of the minor sins is like that of a group of travelers who broke their journey in a valley. Then one of them brought in a straw. Another came up with another (and a third with one more) until with their collection they were able to gather enough t o cook their food. Remember! If a man is held for questioning (on the day of Judgment)for his minor sins, surely they will destroy him.” In another version he is reported to have said: “Beware of minor sins. For they add on until they destroy the man.”
The scholars say therefore that when minor sins are committed without any remorse, without the fear of Allah, and accompanied by contempt then they there is all the fear they will be counted as major sins. Hence the saying: “There isn’t a minor with persistence, and there isn’t a major with repentance.” Hence we say to him who commits minor sins: ‘Do not look at the sins if they are small or big. Look at Him in whose defiance you are committing them.’
It is hoped that these words about taking sins lightly will benefit those who are true in their faith, are not seduced by their delinquencies, nor are of those that insist upon their wrongs. These words will in fact benefit those who believe in the following words of Allah: “Tell My slaves: that I am v ery Forgiving, very Kind,” (Al-Hijr: 49), and those who believe in: “But My chastisement is a severe chastisement indeed.” (Al-Hijr: 50)
May Allah forgive me before I die…